He's Not Selfish Temporary Title
by rawrful
Summary: [postRENT] They automatically assume it is because of the relationship Benny once had with Mimi and I’m sure that it does play into this quite a bit, but that’s not entirely why. They don’t see past that. Mark's P.O.V.


**Title: **Can't think of one, yet.

**Rating:** PG-13 (For language only really…)

**Pairing:** Implied Benny/April

**Summary:** _They automatically assume it is because of the relationship Benny once had with Mimi and I'm sure that it does play into this quite a bit, but that's not entirely why. They don't see past that. They don't see that there's more to it than just that one diminutive relationship, if one could even call it that. But, then again, not a lot of people know what had happened._

**Disclaimer:** I wish I did own these boys but, sadly, I don't. I think I'm going to go cry now.

**A/N:** Now, I know this is a little hazy at first…trying to figure out what's going on, but if I just went out and said it, it wouldn't be as interesting. It's pretty obvious what I'm talking about though. Everything will be a lot clearer in future chapters. Sorry, this one is a lot shorter than what you're used to seeing from me. I really just want to get right into the story, though. I think it's going to turn out interesting.

**Chapter 1: He's not selfish **

Everyone has always asked me why Roger has this hatred towards Benny. They want to know why his body involuntarily tenses up when Benny throws a glance his way. They've, even, started to ask me why Roger storms into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him, when Benny will mention Mimi. But then they don't ask why he tends to leave the loft when Benny will bring up the disease that ended her life. I believe they think they understand that. That it's so simple. He doesn't want to face the fact he's going to die. So, he does what he can. He runs. There's nothing more to it than that.

In their eyes Roger is a coward, who refuses to face the truth. He leaves us, because he feels pity on himself and that, according to them, is selfish of him.

"He needs to grow up and realize that he can't keep running away from things." Maureen will utter practically every time.

"Maur—"

"I'm sorry, Mark, but you know it's true. Running away isn't going to make things better. It's not going to help him forget." Collins will tell me, ending it with a loud sigh, before I can actually respond to Maureen's comment.

"He's not helping anyone…" Benny will chime in, thinking he's helping, but he's only making things worse. "He's always been that way. Always, caring only about himself."

But that's not what I see when I look at him. I see someone who is filled with only heartache and resentment. Someone who knows that if they stay they won't be able to contain themselves and knowing that any emotional outburst would only make everyone uncomfortable. So, no, he's not selfish. He's more selfless than any of them will ever be.

But when they do ask me about Benny and Mimi and why Roger is still upset months after her death, I can give them the only explanation I see fit. That Roger is still jealous of Benny. I don't, particularly, believe this is a lie. It's just that people interpret it the wrong way. They automatically assume it is because of the relationship Benny once had with Mimi and I'm sure that it does play into this quite a bit, but that's not entirely why. They don't see past that. They don't see that there's more to it than just that one diminutive relationship, if one could even call it that. But, then again, not a lot of people know what had happened between Benny and April. Benny, of course, knows, but he's asked that we keep it quiet. Not wanting to upset him or Roger I tend not to tell anyone. Not even Collins.

Maureen has asked him on countless occasions what it is about Benny that bothers him so much, and he'll lie to her. I've always wondered if she knows it. He'll claim that it's Benny's "higher than thou" attitude, but I know he's not being honest. I can see it in his eyes. There's a sort of pain there. It's deep within the surface, almost undetectable, being hidden beneath all the irritation and rage, but it's still there. You just have to look a little harder than you would for someone else. It's always assumed that Roger is upfront with his emotions, because of his quickness to lose his temper, but that isn't so. He hides them just as much as anyone else, probably even more, but no one ever really takes the time to realize that. They don't take the time to really get to know him. Not like I do.

"_It's because he got away with it, Mark. He fucked up and he doesn't have to suffer like we—like I do. And it's not fucking fair, Mark. It's not fucking fair." _

"_But Roge—"_

"_It's not fucking fair, Mark." _

He thinks if they found out they'd only take pity on him and he doesn't want that. He doesn't want anyone to feel bad for him, because of something she did. He really doesn't, even, want pity placed upon him, because of his illness either. He's gotten over that. He's done feeling sorry for himself. He's told me this, but he's also told me he still can't let go of the fact that Benny isn't suffering like he is. He's never seen the fairness in it all. That April and himself have to, well April no longer…he takes that back because she is gone now, suffer and Benny is as healthy as ever.

To tell you the truth, I don't think I see the fairness in it either


End file.
